The Way You Communicate Is Shaping Your Relationship.
- Stephanie Di Giovanni
- Apr 29
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 30
Arguments often have more going on beneath the surface.
One person is saying: “I need you.” While the other is hearing: “I’m not doing enough.”
From there, both nervous systems respond in ways designed to protect you.
You stop talking about the issue and start arguing about the argument itself.
The focus shifts from:
“What’s actually going on here?” to “How do I explain my side?”
It becomes less about understanding each other, and more about trying to feel heard.
The shared goal gets lost: We’re on the same team, we’re safe.
The Default Loop
Most conflict follows a predictable pattern.
Person A Feels hurt > seeks reassurance > pushes for connection.
Person B Feels criticised/overwhelmed > pulls away > shuts down.
The more one person pursues, the more the other withdraws.
The more one withdraws, the more the other escalates.
Both people can end up feeling alone, often assuming the other doesn’t care.
In reality, most arguments happen because both people care a lot.
Without understanding this pattern, it can feel like rejection or pressure, rather than two different ways of coping.
Communication and resolution can become clearer when you focus on these three steps.
Step 1: Self-Awareness
Start with yourself. What you bring into the conversation shapes how it unfolds.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What assumptions could I be making?
How does my history and patterns shape this?
When emotions are high, we can start interrupting, repeating ourselves, or withdrawing.
Self-awareness helps you respond, rather than react.
Step 2: Emotional Regulation
When emotions are high, communication breaks down.
This is linked to changes in our brain.
The amygdala (emotional centre) takes over, while the prefrontal cortex (logic and reasoning) becomes less active.
This is called “flipping your lid.”
In this state you might:
Say things you don’t mean.
Struggle to listen.
Misinterpret what’s being said.
Find it hard to think clearly.
Communication in this state often becomes unclear or misunderstood.
The first step is to notice it and return to a more settled state where you can think, listen, and respond intentionally.
This might look like:
Pausing before responding.
Slowing your breathing.
Stepping away and coming back to the conversation.
Step 3: Communicate
When we’re settled, how we communicate matters.
Four patterns, known as the Four Horsemen, can lead to communication breakdown: Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
When they show up repeatedly, can slowly erode a relationship.
Criticism
Criticism attacks the person’s character, not their behaviour.
It can sound like:
“You never listen.”
“You’re selfish.”
It can reduce connection and lead to defensiveness.
Instead
Try to focus on the behaviour, not the person.
Keep it to a clear complaint and request.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is when we focus on protecting ourselves, rather than understanding the other person.
It can sound like:
“That’s not true.”
“You do it too.”
It often leaves the other person feeling unheard, and the conversation going in circles.
Instead
Try to look for the request underneath and take responsibility for a small part.
This helps lower tension and keeps things moving.
Contempt
Contempt is when frustration builds over time and comes out as disrespect.
It can show up as a sense of superiority, where the other person is made to feel small.
It can look like:
Eye-rolling.
Mockery.
Sarcasm.
Over time, it erodes respect and emotional safety, making it one of the most damaging patterns.
Instead
Try to stay respectful and curious about their perspective, rather than assuming the worst.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when we shut down or withdraw from the conversation. It often happens when someone feels overwhelmed or flooded.
It can look like:
Silence or one-word responses.
Zoning out.
Avoiding eye-contact.
It often leaves the other person feeling ignored or rejected.
Instead
Take a break with the intention to return.
Let them know you’re overwhelmed and will come back to the conversation.
Takeaway
These are skills, and like anything, improve with practice.
Healthy communication isn’t one big talk that fixes everything.
It’s built through small patterns, repeated overtime.
These patterns create the feeling every nervous system craves.
We’re safe. We’re a team. We can handle hard things.
That’s the foundation of a secure relationship.
Stephanie Di Giovanni Registered Psychologist | |
Clarity Corner Psychology |